Wednesday, April 7, 2021

Obligers and Goals

My dad, who is wrong, says personality frameworks are a waste of time. 

I find personality frameworks to be not only helpful, but also life-changing.  So many bad habits and painful patterns have been broken because the use of personality frameworks has enabled me to step back, see what is working for me and what isn't, and recalibrate. 

I make lots of goals each year and I evaluate them weekly. I've always been a very driven person, even as a kid... But I don't always end up achieving the things I'm driven towards. Sometimes I recognize that I was being 

A) idealistic (replace all of the kids' toys with natural, handmade toys- improve sewing skills, learn to crochet, but and learn a scroll saw... Actual multi-part goal I once made while eight months pregnant), 

B) unreasonable (sell 10,000 copies of next book in the first month with $50 marketing budget), 

C) unhealthy (eat only ____ for ____ days, a far too common goal I set for years and years). 

Other times I just fizzled out. 

Here's what I was just observing about my personality and goal-setting. 

📝 I'm a Myers-Briggs INFJ which means I'm idealistic, intuitive, introspective. I like closure, like knowing where I'm headed, like things to feel concrete rather than open-ended. So physical-world goals and fuzzier, non-specific goals don't do my brain any favors. 

📝 I'm a SP/SX Enneagram 9w1... So my primary underlying motivations tend to be my relationships/connections and my peace of mind. Goals that aren't in some way related to these two big things tend to feel less and less important as time goes on unless it feels inherently wrong to not stick to them. 

I need real, measurable goals that matter to me and to the people I love if I'm going to see them succeed. 

The other day my cousin brought up Gretchen Ruben's Four Tendencies framework (from this book // quiz here)  and something clicked for me... The missing piece. 

📝 I'm an Obliger in that framework. This means accountability (and reassuring feedback) is my jam. 

My darling Myers-Briggs J and Enneagram 1 wing have served me well for myself many times but it's obliging other humans that really helps me achieve. 

It sounds kinda pathetic as I read it back to myself. 

Anyway. That's why I'm going to tell you about all of my 2021 goals here tomorrow (this post is already too long to share them today), and do a monthly check-in, because knowing you're on the other side of this screen cheering me on (I hope) will keep me going. 

Two more things... 
1- The more stressed I get, the more rigid I get. It's a coping mechanism. I once set a goal to be more spontaneous and then, since I need measurable goals, I would put spontaneity on my weekly to-do list and sometimes schedule it in my planner 😂 

2- My Favorite personality framework books if you're interested: Reading People (all the frameworks) // MotherStyles (Myers-Briggs) // The Road Back to You (Enneagram) // The Enneagram for Beginners // Better Than Before (the four tendencies) 

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