One book I can't make myself read

I always loved reading pregnancy books when I was pregnant. Fiction and nonfiction alike. 

I loved Praying Through Your Pregnancy and I loved seeing how my baby was developing each week with What to Expect When You're Expecting and Your Pregnancy Week by Week. The fun pregnancy science in Bumpology and Do Chocolate Lovers Have Sweeter Babie was so fascinating and exciting! 

And then I found midwife memoirs. 

Babycatcher was my favorite, closely followed by Call the Midwife. I devoured every midwife memoir I could find. 

I liked the hippie birth stories in Ina May's Guide to Pregnancy and was startled by the vulgarity of some in Labor Day but couldn't quite find what I was looking for... So I gathered some women together and created my own book of birth stories, Blessed by Birth. 

I found a few pregnancy-themed fiction novels to tear through, the only title I still remember being The Midwife of Hope River. 

I ordered The Midwife, a Christian fiction title, when I was nearing the end of my pregnancy with Baby D. But then I became so sick and so dizzy that reading wasn't really an option for me. I told myself I'd read it as soon as she was born and I felt better but I was in the middle of something else or I forgot. 

When D was 30 days old, I had a tubal ligation. I have so much sorrow and regret over that decision (a decision, I might add, I was completely certain about at the time) that I just can't read this book. 

Every time a friend or family member announces a pregnancy I feel so excited for them. I pull out this book because I think every time that maybe I'll be able to read it with their pregnancy if not my own. But every time, I feel that big lump in my throat and can't even open the front cover.